Summary of Never Split The Difference
... by Chris Voss
If you’re selling something for $10K, and they want $5K, never split the difference and offer 7.5K. Compromise often leaves both sides unhappy, and a bad deal is worse than no deal.
Prepare before the negotiation, but despite your preparation, you’ll find some surprises, so use your skills to deal with them. Treat whatever your research uncovers not as assumptions, but as hypotheses.
Negotiation is not a battle or argument to be won. Those who look at it that way get overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Actually, it’s a process of discovery: you want to learn enough about the other side to decide whether to do business with them.
Don’t fear “no”. No is not the end of the negotiation. It just means that what was discussed doesn’t work, which means something else might. It lets us backtrack from a path that isn’t working. No means one party wants to slow down the discussion. “Yes” and “maybe” can be meaningless answers, while “no” allows the real issues to be brought forward. Chris likes to get to no as early as possible in a negotiation. That means the real negotation has begun.
If the other side says something that sounds unreasonable to you, find out their underlying motivations and understand the world they live in. Empathise. Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing; it just means being able to see through their eyes. Labeling is a good tool to achieve this. Say things like “<blank> seems important to you” or “You seem concerned about <blank>”.
If you ask why, ask it in a calm and even tone, so that it doesn’t come across as argumentative.
Negotiations are often about more than money: self-esteem, status or autonomy.
Active Listening
People have a universal need to be understood. Listen intensely when they’re speaking. To signal that you’ve accepted or understood their point of view, mirror a few key words back to them. Waiters who did that:
Patron: I want a Russian sandwich.
Waiter: Russian sandwich, got it.
instead of:
Patron: I want a Russian sandwich.
Waiter: Got it.
got a 70% larger tip. Mirroring conveys that you’ve listened and identified the key words.
Positivity makes people think better, encourages them to share their feelings with you, be open to evaluating their thoughts, and to be open to rather than defensive to your ideas. People think listening is passive, but it’s not: listen actively. Don’t plan your responses or the next topic to discuss. When someone is speaking, make them the center of your world. People feel respected when you do that.
Don’t be in a hurry — it can hurt rapport and make people feel they’re not heard.
Voices
Three different voices are available to you as a negotiator:
Default voice: This is positive, lighthearted and upbeat. Smile when you speak, even on the phone.
Late night FM DJ voice: Speak slowly and calmly, without many ups and downs:
This is non-threatening. It lets you be firm about your position without escalating it into an argument. When you add energy to a chemical reaction, it can boil over or explode. When you remove energy from the system, say by cooling it, it settles down. The late night voice settles things down.
Commanding voice: Use this rarely, because it triggers arguments.
Inflect downward at the end of a statement. For example, if you’re selling a consulting service for $8000 and the buyer says “We’ll pay $4000”, you should respond with “It will be $8000” with a downward inflection at the end, not an upward inflection like “It will be $8000?” An upward inflection makes it a question, or adds uncertainty, making your verbal communication contradict your non-, inviting them to second-guess you.
Silence
When you ask a question, or make a statement, shut up. Embrace the awkward pause. That puts the other side on the spot and forces them to respond. Don’t fill in the gaps by blabbering. Those who can remain silent the longest win.
Mirroring
Mirroring can also be a way of saying no that avoids conflict. Instead of
Client: We need to do XYZ.
Consultant: No.
(which can trigger an argument)
or:
Client: We need to do XYZ.
Consultant: What do you mean by that?
(which can trigger an irritated response)
consider mirroring:
Client: We need to do XYZ.
Consultant: XYZ?
Mirroring feels odd the first few times you do it, but feels natural once you’ve practiced it.